📍Put A Pin In It #05
being formed. in the valley of the shadows.
📍WATCHING FOR THE LIGHT
Thinking back on our last few years of living Alaska, I remember it becoming harder and harder for me to get through the dreary stretch of late January - early February1. The holidays were behind us. And while light was lengthening, the days were still long with dark. And so cold. By that point on the calendar we’d had snow on the ground for months. With more to come.
My therapist has long worked to help me learn and practice skills for orienting through this life of mine, which has so often twisted and turned in ways I have wished and imagined to be otherwise. I quote her -
All that being true,
how are you going to live?
One of the ways I have developed my answer to this question over time has been to tune my eyes to scan for goodness and beauty, and my mind to name it. Even in the bleak midwinter, I have learned to keep watch for the light.
And so, every year in Alaska, when winter melted into spring, it was a particular joy. I remember the evening I spotted these first daffodils of the season in 2018 - it was April 18. I posted this picture on my blog, and let William Wordsworth tell my story —
….And then my heart with pleasure fills, and dances with the daffodils.
That bed of daffodils was alongside an apartment building in downtown Anchorage and the spring melt had come to them first. Seeing the flowers in bloom that night was especially delightful because there was still plenty of snow and ice in every direction. For instance, Westchester Lagoon, down the street from our house, looked like this that week —
ANYHOW. My actual point here was supposed to be that I celebrated daffodils IN MID-APRIL during my Alaska years.
But now here in the Willamette Valley of Oregon, it is just the first week of March and Rusty and I have found them!
📍ETHAN’S 19TH BIRTHDAY IS A MILESTONE
Speaking of this first week of March in the Willamette Valley, Ethan was born at Willamette Falls Hospital 19 years ago next week!! I know it is 19 because I asked him when I saw him a few days ago. His answer surprised me and I had a sudden realization that that makes this the 20th year since a terrible car accident left me with a brain injury and changed my life.
Ethan’s birthday has long been my marker for the Before/After of my life. I found out I was pregnant with him in June 2005, the day before the accident, and by grace and good care, managed to safely deliver him into the world nine crazy-brained-months later.
With every Ethan-birthday for a lot of years after that, we remembered and retold the accident story. But eventually it got metabolized into the routines of our lives and now the memories might get a passing mention on Ethan’s birthday, or not.
However, 20 is a milestone number. And so here I am, remembering. It doesn’t take much effort, the memories are always close at hand.
Because it is the stuff that has made me.
Still makes me.
📍IN THE VALLEY OF SHADOWS
So many of the stories that make up my life have not turned out like I expected. Not like I imagined. Not like I hoped. I have been repeatedly knocked off the rails, which, it turns out, makes a good Substack name2.
Yesterday afternoon I was texting with Ryan about some complex situations he’s navigating right now and as he earnestly engages that hard work, the questions keep circling back—
How do we live when life breaks us. Breaks our hearts. (or our brains). When it harms our people.
(Cause it will.)
(Repeatedly.)
aka - All that being true, how are you going to live?
In church last Sunday, the visiting priest preached from the Transfiguration text and at the end of the service sent us out with a blessing. This is how I heard it —
As you go back down into the valley
may you recognize that God is with you, even there.
That is where you are being formed.
📍A PIN BOX ASSORTMENT for the Valley
📌 Ash Wednesday in 17 Beats - Me
📌 Ashes & Dust in 17 Beats - Also Me
📌 While it Was Still Dark - Author & Speaker Laura Kelly Fanucci
📌 Asking the Wrong Questions - Spiritual Director Shannon Horn Truss
📌 The Light of Tabor - Pastor Brian Zahnd (I watched it twice and took notes)
📌 Lenten Readings for Conversation and Communion with God - Grace Pouch and Toni Pate for Renovaré
And Before I Go —
Don’t tell him I showed you this, but every month Rusty the Farm Dog gets weighed. Like this:
This past week 96.2 registered as his highest number yet.
I just ran across a blog post that requires me to admit this feeling had not always been so — https://jennifersearls.com/february-snow/
That and the fact that an active rail line literally runs along our property.